On Balance

I've been writing a lot of posts lately that don't get published. Occasionally I start writing about what's been going on around here the past few weeks, but most of these posts end up as a diatribe about finding balance in parenting. And if you're interested, here's the summary: It's not possible to obtain balance as a mother...yet I'm obsessed with finding it.

It's finally summer in the Tri-Cities and we have been doing a lot of hard work in the yard, traveling and generally having a good time. Needless to say, the laundry is never done. But I try. It is also physically impossible to get dinner on the table before 7pm. Yet I try. And I also feel the increasing need to spend every waking moment showing those two girls all the love I have in my heart for them. But there's the laundry and dinner to make. It's a vicious cycle.

John has been giving me the old wary eye the past week or so and asking me more often than usual if I'm okay or telling me I work too hard. Apparently I've been giving him the old I'm-exhausted-and-don't-have-time-for-this-right-now look more often than not. I also happen to have a stye on my eyelid the size of Texas that popped up and won't go away. I hear these things are caused by stress. Apparently it's a physical reminder that I'm trying a little too hard to make things balance.

Anyway, the observation that I'm visibly stressed out kind of came as a shock to me since I feel like, personally, I'm making a lot of progress in my efforts to take it easy; I'm trying to be slower to anger and faster to forgive, I let situations with the girls that would normally make me want to rip my hair out wash over me instead. I try to find God's grace in the seemingly bad things and rejoice in the unquestionably good. And then I look in the mirror and see that horrible bulging red bump on my eye screaming to the world: " she's falling apart!"

Listen up, unsightly stye, I'm just trying to do it all here. Is that so much to ask?

Let's just say I haven't grown in the area of giving up ridiculous aspirations.

While I may not be good at giving up things like letting anyone else fold the laundry, (lest the world should come to an end without my shirts folded uniformly) one big thing that I have recently conceded is that having two kids might actually make our family complete. This is a huge departure for the lady who wanted nothing more than to have her own personal soccer team of children. I love being pregnant and for the longest time it just felt like my default state of being. But pregnancies most often result in an infant that you're expected to love and shower with kisses and pay college tuition for. That's a heavy burden of responsibility, especially considering it takes more time and energy to take care of my oldest than it does her baby sister.

Audrey is fantastic and hilarious and generally a real treat to be around, but she's challenging. That kid lobs curve balls at me every day--sometimes they make me laugh, like her demanding I stop driving and get out of the car. Other days I struggle to keep sane when she suddenly decides she's not potty trained and wets through four outfits in one morning. Yet every day I find myself amazed by how beautiful, intelligent and special she is. A kid like that requires a lot of attention, especially as she's struggling to understand her wild emotions.

Now, the Gunni? She loves her sister just as much as I do. The two of them are already in cahoots; Bailey loves wrestling with Audrey in bed, grabbing at her face and trying to eat her hair. It makes Audrey laugh hysterically which in turn makes the Gunni gurgle. There's a lot of love between those two. Bailey has a tendency to get fussy at the dinner table (I think she's starting to feel a bit of jealousy about table food) and when bouncing her on Mama's knee doesn't help, her big Sis can always make her smile. A few nights ago while we were eating Audrey told Bailey she smelled like a monkey and kept waving her hands in B's face yelling "Pee Yew!" Much laughter ensued.

So what does it all come down to? I cannot describe how fulfilling it is to be the mother of these two girls. I am constantly challenged and in awe of how amazing God has made our lives. I feel like my life would be perfectly whole if we weren't blessed with more children yet I'm keeping my mind open to the possibility of more. I also should resolve that I will stop trying to be a super mom, expecting balance in my life...but I just can't let go. There's a reason Audrey has a stubborn streak a mile wide--she's learned from the best.