On Balance

I've been writing a lot of posts lately that don't get published. Occasionally I start writing about what's been going on around here the past few weeks, but most of these posts end up as a diatribe about finding balance in parenting. And if you're interested, here's the summary: It's not possible to obtain balance as a mother...yet I'm obsessed with finding it.

It's finally summer in the Tri-Cities and we have been doing a lot of hard work in the yard, traveling and generally having a good time. Needless to say, the laundry is never done. But I try. It is also physically impossible to get dinner on the table before 7pm. Yet I try. And I also feel the increasing need to spend every waking moment showing those two girls all the love I have in my heart for them. But there's the laundry and dinner to make. It's a vicious cycle.

John has been giving me the old wary eye the past week or so and asking me more often than usual if I'm okay or telling me I work too hard. Apparently I've been giving him the old I'm-exhausted-and-don't-have-time-for-this-right-now look more often than not. I also happen to have a stye on my eyelid the size of Texas that popped up and won't go away. I hear these things are caused by stress. Apparently it's a physical reminder that I'm trying a little too hard to make things balance.

Anyway, the observation that I'm visibly stressed out kind of came as a shock to me since I feel like, personally, I'm making a lot of progress in my efforts to take it easy; I'm trying to be slower to anger and faster to forgive, I let situations with the girls that would normally make me want to rip my hair out wash over me instead. I try to find God's grace in the seemingly bad things and rejoice in the unquestionably good. And then I look in the mirror and see that horrible bulging red bump on my eye screaming to the world: " she's falling apart!"

Listen up, unsightly stye, I'm just trying to do it all here. Is that so much to ask?

Let's just say I haven't grown in the area of giving up ridiculous aspirations.

While I may not be good at giving up things like letting anyone else fold the laundry, (lest the world should come to an end without my shirts folded uniformly) one big thing that I have recently conceded is that having two kids might actually make our family complete. This is a huge departure for the lady who wanted nothing more than to have her own personal soccer team of children. I love being pregnant and for the longest time it just felt like my default state of being. But pregnancies most often result in an infant that you're expected to love and shower with kisses and pay college tuition for. That's a heavy burden of responsibility, especially considering it takes more time and energy to take care of my oldest than it does her baby sister.

Audrey is fantastic and hilarious and generally a real treat to be around, but she's challenging. That kid lobs curve balls at me every day--sometimes they make me laugh, like her demanding I stop driving and get out of the car. Other days I struggle to keep sane when she suddenly decides she's not potty trained and wets through four outfits in one morning. Yet every day I find myself amazed by how beautiful, intelligent and special she is. A kid like that requires a lot of attention, especially as she's struggling to understand her wild emotions.

Now, the Gunni? She loves her sister just as much as I do. The two of them are already in cahoots; Bailey loves wrestling with Audrey in bed, grabbing at her face and trying to eat her hair. It makes Audrey laugh hysterically which in turn makes the Gunni gurgle. There's a lot of love between those two. Bailey has a tendency to get fussy at the dinner table (I think she's starting to feel a bit of jealousy about table food) and when bouncing her on Mama's knee doesn't help, her big Sis can always make her smile. A few nights ago while we were eating Audrey told Bailey she smelled like a monkey and kept waving her hands in B's face yelling "Pee Yew!" Much laughter ensued.

So what does it all come down to? I cannot describe how fulfilling it is to be the mother of these two girls. I am constantly challenged and in awe of how amazing God has made our lives. I feel like my life would be perfectly whole if we weren't blessed with more children yet I'm keeping my mind open to the possibility of more. I also should resolve that I will stop trying to be a super mom, expecting balance in my life...but I just can't let go. There's a reason Audrey has a stubborn streak a mile wide--she's learned from the best.

For The Addicts...

Because I just recovered from weekend of traveling with two little ones and an amazing migraine headache, I'm taking the lazy way out--here's a video from last month. I'll post some newer ones in my next post.
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It's About Time!

I have been slacking. But I'm not really going to offer any apologies because I've been busy...busy grocery shopping. And cooking. And cleaning, cooking some more and then loving on my babies. But don't ask about the laundry. The horror!

Anyway, the girls are now officially 4 months and 22 months old. That means my little Dragon is almost a two-year old! How did this happen? I remember going to the hospital and then bringing her home, but this all seems so sudden. It really is surreal, even though hearing Audrey bark orders at everyone in the house (including the dog) should remind me that she's growing up. And man, oh, man do I have my work cut out for me. I can already see the little seed of teenage rebellion planted in that kid's head. She is constantly testing every adult figure she comes into contact with to see what she can get away with. And here I thought I had gotten off the hook with a kid who doesn't leap into parking lots without a thought or try to climb the drapes. I've always found joy in how advanced Audrey has been cognitively and verbally, but now I'm starting to see the challenges of having a smart kid who can talk. John and I joke about it, but she has already mastered the art of diversion.

Mama: "Audrey, we need to go get ready for bed."
Audrey: "Mama, I need to go potty bad!"
Mama: "Ok, let's go to the potty."
Audrey: " I see Caba!"
Mama: "We're going to the potty."
Audrey: "But I see phone!!"

It's not working kid. Mama's impervious to shiny objects.

In addition to trying to distract us to get her way, she just outright orders people around. I can't tell you how many times I heard her yell "Seth, come here!!" this past weekend. We're working on manners.

Little A is also experimenting with temper tantrums, especially when she's tired or hungry or needs to go to the bathroom. It's loud and emotionally draining (for all of us) , but we're working on nipping those emotional breakdowns in the bud. Sometimes I forget how difficult it is for kids to figure out emotions. Heck, I feel justified biting anyone's head off who looks at me funny before I've had my coffee in the morning. I figure not being able to work out what intense emotion you're experiencing is much more frustrating than just being a sleep-deprived crank.

In the mean time, Bailey is still my super chill baby. We went in for her four month appointment and she now weighs 16 lbs. 6 oz. and is 25 inches long. That means she's made the jump to the top of the charts in both height and weight; there's no way she's gonna let her sister out-do her just because she's younger.

The Gunni is really just a happy kid; she loves lots of attention and will reward you with the world's cutest shy smile if you give it to her. She's also showing much more interest in moving than her big sis did as a baby; she's already rolling over, almost able to sit independently and she loves to pull up on my thumbs to stand. She's ready! Even Dr. D said she'll probably be an early crawler/walker. I know most parents shudder at the thought of another mobile child, but I like the idea of taking a step toward independence for both of us.

Life at the Ranch has been busy as usual; we had the Moore kids over for the long weekend and we had a fantastic time. The women-folk had a ladies tea (complete with scones and cucumber sandwiches) on Saturday and the boys barbecued and camped out in the back yard. Sunday was the Indy-500 (an institution in the Schweighardt house) and I was so busy cooking and *cough* shopping *cough* that I didn't get to see it. shame.

Marlene is staying with the kids in Vancouver for the next few weeks and we somehow convinced her to let Hannah stay with us until the 11th when we'll drive over to see D'Arcy debut on pointe. I'm so excited to see Duck dance again and I cannot wait until Audrey is old enough to don her own little tutu and flit about stage. The tippy toes don't lie; that girl's going to be a dancer.

The same weekend we're going to see D'Arcy dance, Steve and Julie are going to be in Portland for a conference. Joe has decided to fly out too and then they're all driving over to spend the rest of the week with us in the Tri-Cities. Having company that loves food really is dangerous; I'll probably be about 10 pounds heavier by the end of this visit.

The rest of the summer is going to go by in a blur of travel, celebration and food. Coming attractions include: Father's Day, my birthday, Marlene's 70th birthday!, the Schweighardt's annual 4th of July crazy extravaganza, a visit from my best buddy Jessica, a trip back to the Midwest with the girls, my parents flying back to the Tri-Cities with me, Audrey's birthday and a camping trip to Mt. Adams. somewhere in there I have to convince my sister to come to the Benton-Franklin County Fair; it just feels wrong to go without her now.

I'm exhausted just writing that out. I think I'll take a nap now while I can.