A Day That Will Live in Infamy

On April 29th in the year of our Lord two thousand and nine...at nine months and four days...Audrey Ann Schweighardt crawled...forward.

*and the people rejoiced*

Random Tuesday Thoughts

There are a lot of things I think are of note, but not important enough to make an entire post, so I thought I would start doing random thought posts from time to time, just to purge some of these things from my mind. God knows, I need all the help I can get as far as mental function goes. Let's hit it!

..................So, turns out it's hard to think of all the things you want to get off of your mind when actually given the chance...I'm having a visual of all my buck-toothed, useless thoughts running (more like tripping) to the corners of my mind and hiding under sofas. You will not evade me!

Sometimes I think Audrey looks like spider man when she's trying to walk/crawl. I wouldn't be surprised if she sprouted webs from her wrists and started flying around the house.

The Dragon has been under the weather the past few days and as a result is uncharacteristically sleepy and snugly. She fell asleep in bed with us this morning. (This NEVER happens) Her little head was propped up on my arm and I loved every minute of it...even though my hips still hurt from laying on my side for so long.

For anyone having/thinking of ever having a baby: Everyone says your body will never be the same after childbirth and I, like most, assumed this meant the proportions of your body. Don't be stupid. They actually mean everything. I honestly don't think my hips will ever be pain free again and that's just the tip of the iceburg. For anyone interested in the topic, I'll send you my manuscript of "What the people telling you 'what they don't tell you' aren't telling you"

Audrey has recently started saying "yeah baby". At least we know she'll be able to secure a job as a construction worker if nothing else pans out.

I am now officially obsessed with free stuff and coupons. I don't know how or why this started, but I'm a woman possessed. I've actually been thinking about starting a new blog about it. That is, if I can wade through the mountain of free Cheerios/Golden Grahams to get to the computer. (But seriously, I've cut our grocery bills nearly in half...I am awesome.)

Also, before I go, I have a couple public service announcements:

First: The Schweighardt family has finally decided to start pronouncing their last name correctly. Why? Because there is no such thing as a silent "g" in German. John and I recently found out that the "g" used to be pronounced until his Great Grandfather decided to change it...because he didn't like the way the German language sounded. We thought that was a dumb reason. Nuff said.

Second & Last: Some of you know this, but for those who don't: The official theme of Audrey's first birthday party is going to be "silly hats". So, dust off your Viking helmets and propeller beanies, it's going to be a rollicking good time!

You say it's your birthday...or something like that

The Dragon is officially 9 months old! That's three quarters of a year...makes a girl think. (Sorry for the obscure movie references lately) That means it's only three months until my baby is a year old and I tend to think of one year olds as toddlers, not babies. (let me pause for a moment to wail: My baby's growing up!) Thank you.

So far, this past month seems like the most drastic as far as development goes. The Dragon isn't technically crawling yet, but that does not mean she's immobile in any way, shape or form. For the sake of time, I'll give the monthly rundown to you in bullet point form:

The Dragon is now:

• Crawling backward: This isn't new, she's just much, much better at it
• Getting into a sitting position from her belly (This is a Major accomplishment and means I don't have to rescue her from her belly anymore. wohoo!)
  
• pulling up on EVERYTHING: she can pull up on the couch by herself, but she prefers to pull up on people (watch the hair!)
• Learning how to balance/walk: watching Audrey walk is like watching someone bottle dance. There are no small simple steps with this kid. (Trust me, watching the entire video is worth it)
  
• Refusing to be spoon fed: We are full-on into finger foods now. It might be the teething, but Audrey will only eat solids if she's feeding herself. Anyone with fun finger food ideas for a kid with 2-4 teeth, let me know! (my favorite right now is banana pancakes)
• (Speaking of teeth) The Dragon is teething! Still! As of this morning, Audrey only has 2 teeth...but not for much longer. She has two pearly whites visible coming through on the top and I have no idea how they haven't come through yet. She's in pain, poor kid!

That's pretty much a fair rundown of what's been going on with the Dragon this month. In celebration of Audrey's nine month birthday, we're eating cupcakes and watching the NFL Draft. (The Seahawks just picked up Aaron Curry) It's a good day.

Because Life Just Can't Be Simple

To some, being a stay-at-home trophy wife may seem like it could get monotonous, but somehow my life refuses to be mundane. Case in point: Audrey took my last pair of contacts out of service with a strategically placed toe to the eye several months ago. I've been putting off going to the optometrist because 1) I still had my glasses from college and 2) I hate talking on the phone...especially to surly receptionists.

This, of course, meant there was nothing left for me to do but to squash my only remaining source of good vision; those glasses served me faithfully for many years and I'm happy to say they went out with a very satisfying crunch.

Instead of wandering around semi-blind for months like I did last time I lost a pair of glasses, I immediately took action, called the surly receptionist at Lens Crafters and demanded the earliest possible appointment.

...two days later I found myself discussing eye wear with Fran, the overbearing eye wear consultant. I think it's mandatory for these people to be over-the-top in personality and have an inflated sense of entitlement, but Fran blew them all out of the water. For some reason John felt the need to accompany me with the kid who, while we were out, proceeded to squawk at new decibel levels, wet through her diaper, peed down John's shirt and pants and then loudly demanded to be fed. And that ain't all!

After much deliberation and grumbling and rummaging through glasses to find a pair without rhinestones or heart embellishments on them, I finally found a pair of frames I can live with until I sit on them again. Once that torment was through, I was forced to have a half hour sit-down with my favorite consultant going over every lens/frame combination known to man.
Finally, reciept in hand, I was exhausted, but happy to hear that I would be able to pick up my dapper new glasses in about an hour. Easy, schmeasy--the hard part's over, right?

Wrong--Don't breath a sigh of relief and hope that this post will soon be over...because you haven't even met purple-pant-suit lady yet. (We'll call her PPS Lady for short)

This is the woman who spends ten minutes writing a check and balancing her checkbook in front of you in the grocery store. And I was behind her in line to pick up my glasses. By this point, I was starting to remember why I seldom choose to go out in public and why my new favorite television show is about a serial killer.

A process that should have taken me five minutes turned into a half hour of listening to PPS Lady talk about how excited she was to be getting her purple (Yes! Purple!) glasses. Apparently everyone in her life had been informed of this event and was equally ecstatic...even though they all said they loved the other pair of glasses as well, they just reminded PPS Lady too much of her Great Aunt Penelope (I'm not making this up!)

Then her phone rings...it's her husband.

"Oh, Daryl! I'm just getting fitted for my new purple glasses! It'll only take a few more minutes (Yeah, right.) Can I call you back? And oh, Mr. Glasses Man, could you adjust these just a micro-hair down on the left?...oh, no. That's not right. I don't know, they just feel crooked!"

She then proceeded to discuss her cell phone plan and exactly how often she and her husband use their phones.

I was restraining myself from both laughter and murder at this point. It seemed the guy adjusting her glasses and every other unfortunate soul in the store (aside from Fran) felt the same.

Next time I'm getting contacts.

Weekend Update

John and I have a horrible habit of hyping up weekends too much. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying the highlight of our week is Friday afternoon. Beginning Monday morning, it's what we long for: to know that the work week is over and we have two whole days to do whatever the heck we want. It's thrilling! It's exciting! And by the time Friday afternoon actually rolls around, just doing nothing seems unworthy of such a glorious moment. The mounting pressure to partake in some mind-blowingly awesome anti-work experience often explodes into an "I-haven't-made-anything-for-dinner-and-you-need-to-give-the-kid-a-bath Crank Fest"

Soooo...this week, in an effort to bypass the Friday Evening Crabby Festival, we decided to climb Badger Mountain after John got off work. Such Brilliance! And I'm sure it would've worked...if I wasn't already inexplicably irritated. I swear! At least we got some good exercise and the kid had a good time.

Rocky beginning aside, we did have a great weekend. Saturday afternoon we hiked Badger again with a group of friends and had a picnic lunch on top of the Mountain. We were also joined by a group of Llamas taking a walk. Seriously, there is an organization to rescue llamas. Who knew there were so many down and out llamas in the Tri-cities? I think they're a branch of the Southeastern Washington Camel Society. By the time we got home, everyone was tired, covered in dust and smelled a bit like livestock. Is there any felicity in the world superior to that? (props to anyone who can name that book/movie)

Sunday morning, our efforts to go to church were thwarted by an anti-napping Dragon, but we did make it out to John & Robyn Phillips' house for Nate's annual this-food-is-so-good-I-never-want-to-leave Bithday Party. There was too much food to even begin listing it off, but suffice it to say, I had seconds. And I wish I had gotten thirds.

As always, Monday morning rolled around far too soon and I can only hope that the remainder of the week breezes by quickly. Maybe the illustrious Friday afternoon will come and go before I even remember to hype it up. In the mean time, the Dragon and I are enjoying the beautiful weather and playing in the sunshine whenever possible.

Easter, Shmeaster--Let's Call the Whole Thing Off!

For some reason I've been lacking the motivation to write this post. Maybe it's leftover mommy guilt from my sub-par photo taking on Easter or that I feel I cannot put into words how awesome the Mariners' opening home game was. But I must blog, otherwise my mother and sister may actually follow through with their threats to abduct my child, feed her sweets and bask in her awesomeness until she turns into a teenager (at which time the crabby, sugar-addicted Dragon will return to me and most likely burn down the house). Turns out, I'm actually pretty fond of the kid and would like to keep her, so let's get to gettin'!

If you've been checking the Picasa site, you have probably noticed the shocking lack of pictures from Easter. Here's the deal: I only got pictures of the back of Audrey in her dress. Bad Mom. We are planning on staging a mock-Easter photo shoot, should Audrey express a mysterious sense of loss while speaking with her therapist some day, we will have said photos as evidence that she was not neglected as an infant.

Moving on!

Mariners' Opening (home) Day/Griffey Day/Might-As-Well-Have-Been-Christmas Day a.k.a. Audrey's first day wearing shoes:

For the complete photo journey, go here

Overall Feelings? Euphoria.

Foods eaten? Garlic Fries, Cream Cheese Hotdogs, Delicously Expensive Beer, Peanuts and Cracker Jacks (seriously)

Number of times Dragon freaked out from fireworks: None

Number of times Kathryn freaked out from fireworks: Once...and it was priceless

Items dropped/flung/kicked from our sweet, sweet seats in the front row of the 300 level: One infant's size 3 lavender sneaker...kicked from Audrey's foot during Griffey's first At-Bat. The legendary tale has officially been transcribed into the Schweighardt Hall of Fame Annals.

Was/were said item(s) retrieved? Yes, and Aunt Liz moved up sigificantly in the Auntie Olympics for it (despite being dressed like Ted Kaczynski)

How many people did your entourage have to mow down to make it through the after-game crowd? Approximately 267, but they were all either jerks or Angels fans (the two terms are also interchangeable)
For a full briefing on the offensive formation used to transport Her Royal Highness, The Dragon, back to the bus stop, see the following (professional) diagram:

The Closer

I tend to pride myself on being a self-reliant person and would like to think there's not much I can't do (I'm talking in the realm of parenting here...not bike riding or water polo and definitely not bicycle polo...so bear with me) Regardless of this egotistical view on parenting, even I need a break sometimes. I'm talking about the thin line between bucking up to push through a frustrating situation and the decision to start ripping my hair out and check into the nearest psych ward. (disclaimer: I still, notably, have a full head of hair and to date, haven't felt the need to be psychologically evaluated)

When battling with a Dragon, I've found it's important to recognize the signs of an impending bout of hysteria and know the appropriate time to call the bullpen for reinforcements.

Enter: My Husband...also known now as The Closer. He stands 6'8" and can convince any crying baby that it's time to take the party shoes off and call it a night. I really shouldn't be devoting an entire post to this, as he's already started to get an inflated ego on the topic, but a little bragging is worth the break at 3:30 am.

Edit: There is no way I couldn't add this to the end of the post. It's John's reaction after first reading "The Closer" and it's part of why I married him.

Sweet. I am hoping that this blog and the perfect picture that is associated constructs a prime time spin off on TBS in which I'm a detective with true grit, a heart of gold and a love for justice...

Detective Carl Kuwalski is a seasoned veteran known for his fedora, ascot and occasional pipe. he loves children and despises the criminal cease pool that has consumed his "streets". After a long day on the job, Carl likes to sit in his favorite leather recliner, drink scotch, listen to jazz and think about the ones that "got away". Watch Carl this fall on TBS following a new season of "Southern Justice" and "Law & Order: Car Jacking Division."

Belly Laughs

This is without a doubt, the best video of Audrey to date. Even better than the squawking in my mind




Also, while you're at it, stop by the Picasa site and check out the newest pictures I finally downloaded